Warning: this poem contains clues to the unsolved mysteries in the previous parts of The Chronicles
To be chanted out loud: if possible with bongo drums, nose flute etc to enhance the rhythm of the trochaic tetrameters
By the shores of Western Cornwall
Near to Padstow's stony beaches
Where the surfers' boards lie waiting
Waiting for the gnarly Big One
Stood a Copper plainly Scottish
With his newly treated bald patch
Covered with the fur of poodles
Newly wed to Esmeralda
Daughter of the Cornish DJ
Cornish DJ sadly vanished
From the Cornish disco dance floor
Where the songs of Gary Glitter
Excite all the Cornish teenies
Teenies clutching Cornish pasties
Maybe not for strictly vegans
Meaty bits are from a human
Human Dave the mighty hunter
Hunter of the Silent Lobster
Lobster which the French call Homard
This the name of Cowie's stepson
Not to do with ancient author
What about his Golden Sister
Sister of the boy twin Homard
Was she named for Mad Medea ?
Apple chasing Atalanta ?
Complex winsome Greek Electra ?
None of these names was selected
Chosen by the Cornish couple
For their gorgeous jungle baby
Creature of the Virgin Forest
Rocked asleep by monkey ayahs
Sister of the bonny Homard
Sister of the crusty Lobster
Finally the pair decided
Got their naming act together
Chose a name for golden baby
Baby chilling in her fish box
Fish box brought from Salty Cornwall
Where the mother had been living
Brought up to the Scottish West Coast
Cold & chilly, Sunday closing
Where the Poodle Fiend is lurking
Lurking for more furry victims
Who provide the slapheads' merkins
Cover up their shiny baldness
Slapheads now can pull the Ladies
Ladies who like hairy bonces
Not on Staples-working nonces
Anyway the name they chose for
Sister of the crusty Homard
Was Langoustine;well I ask you
What the f*** was Cowie thinking
Thinking when he chose Langoustine
To christen his bonnie daughter
Sister to the crusty Homard
Sharer of the whiffy fish-box
Sleeping in the granite bedroom
Bedroom of the Scottish Copper
Copper of the Rural Hot Fuzz
Failer to solve doggy fur-crimes
Hater of the bitch Grizelda
Evil witch and CID chief
Witch & mother of Morwenna
Victim of the Bad Curator
Keeper of the toothy relics
Ripper of the Sad Morwenna
'Wenna chick of fickle Gareth
Who preferred to bone her Mama
Gareth of the Staples counter
Servant of the evil Magick
Magick which won him a Jackpot
Which attracted 'Wennas mother
Merry Widow called Grizelda
That about sums up the story
Which I wrote through many seasons
Seasons hot and seasons chilly
People say I'm rather silly
Now it is the time to leave you
Go and do something more useful
Switch off internet & laptop
Pull out plug from dodgy WiFi
WiFi borrowed from the neighbour
Hope that neighbour doesn't find out
That I have abused his service
Now I must put down my pencil
Stop this silly goddam poem
Poem borrowed from Longfellow
In this ditsy eight foot metre
It is time to turn on Countdown
Watch the words & numbers programme
Watch me rearrange the letters
I will try today's Conundrum
It is someone's name I'm thinking
Who on earth is this ALASMERDE ?
Please send answers on a postcard
To me at the Student Chat Room....
THE END
